You are not alone in this
Losing a horse is one of the most profound griefs a person can carry — and one of the most misunderstood. The bond you shared was real. What you are feeling is real. And the days ahead do not need to be walked alone.
This page exists because we believe the care doesn’t end at collection. It never does.
Is what I’m feeling normal?
Equine grief has a shape of its own. It is often invisible to the people around you, misunderstood by colleagues and family, and physically exhausting in a way that surprises even you. If any of the feelings below are yours right now — you are in very good, very quiet company.
Grief for a horse can feel isolating in a way grief for other family members rarely does. You may find that colleagues expect you back at your desk the next morning, that friends offer condolences that feel oddly small, that even people who know you well cannot quite meet your eye about it. It is not their fault — unless they have loved a horse, they cannot know.
It is also physical. Tight chest, the strange hollow in the stomach, sleep that does not rest you, appetite that disappears for days. Horse-people are used to being strong; grief often arrives as the first thing that stops you in your tracks. All of this is normal. All of this is the body doing what it was built to do.
Guilt shows up in almost every grieving horse-owner we meet. The “what-if” loop, the second-guessing of a decision you had only moments to make. Guilt is often grief wearing a different jumper — not a verdict on how you loved them.
Tears arriving at impossible moments — or refusing to arrive at all — are both completely normal. Some people weep for weeks. Others feel frozen for months and then collapse into it. Grief is not a performance.
The habit of looking for them is one of the hardest things. Walking to the paddock, listening for a nicker, counting heads at feed time. The body learns grief more slowly than the mind.
People who have never loved a horse struggle to grasp the particular size of this grief. It is not “just a horse.” You are mourning a decade or more of early mornings, trust, and a presence that knew you.
Angry with the vet, the weather, a bill, yourself, the horse for leaving. Anger in grief is love that couldn’t save them. It does not mean you are a bad person; it means you cared.
If your horse had been unwell, or the decision was a long one, relief is normal. So is the shame that follows it. Relief does not mean you loved them less. It means the weight was real.
Some people put the photographs away for a week, a month, a year. Others sit with them from day one. There is no correct timeline. Give yourself permission to close the tab.
Horses grieve too — in off-feed, in calling across paddocks, in sticking close to a new companion. Keep routines steady, watch for signs of colic in the first 72 hours, and call your vet if anything concerns you.
“In fourteen years of doing this work, I have never once thought someone was grieving ‘too much’ for a horse. Not once. If you are here reading this, you are not broken — you loved well.”
The stages of grief
You will not move through these in order. You will not visit them once. You may feel four of them in an afternoon and none of them for a week. They are not milestones to be ticked — they are weather that moves across you. Noticing them is the whole point.
The first hours and days often feel like watching yourself from a short distance. You may feel numb, oddly calm, or unable to think past the next hour. This is the body protecting you. Eat something; drink water; let someone else make the larger decisions.
Your legs still walk to the paddock. You still count heads at feed time. You hear a nicker that cannot be theirs. The searching is not a malfunction — it is the body learning what the mind already knows.
Anger with the vet, the weather, yourself, the bill, the universe, the horse for leaving. Anger is grief with nowhere to go. Let it move — in a long walk, in a drive alone, in a shouted sentence in an empty paddock.
The what-if loop. Could I have spotted it earlier? Should I have called sooner? Almost every grieving horse-owner we meet spends time here. Be kind to the version of you who made decisions in crisis.
A quieter stage, often missed. You replay the last year. You make deals with a god you may not even believe in. Let it move through you. It is the mind looking for a door that no longer exists.
The stage that lasts the longest. Flat, heavy, slow. You can function but you cannot quite feel. It is the soul absorbing the size of the loss.
Not a cure. Not forgetting. Not “moving on.” Acceptance is the quiet re-arrangement of your life so that there is now a room in it shaped exactly like them.
When grief may need professional support
Grief has a shape, but if you are not eating or sleeping properly after four to six weeks, if you cannot function at work or in caring for those who depend on you, if the thoughts are turning dark or the world feels hopeless — please speak to your GP, call GriefLine on 1300 845 745, or phone Lifeline on 13 11 14. Asking for help is not a sign your grief is wrong. It is a sign you are looking after yourself.
“Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is love, looking for somewhere to land.”
Finding Support
There is no single right place to turn for help. Some people need a counsellor. Others need a walk with a friend who also knew them. Some need both. Below is a starting point — helplines, communities, and reading — all vetted by our team.
Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
1800 642 066 · grief.org.au — free counselling, referrals and fact sheets.
GriefLine
1300 845 745 · 6am–10pm weekdays · free, confidential, Australia-wide.
Beyond Blue
1300 22 4636 · 24/7 — for when grief overlaps with depression or anxiety.
Lifeline
13 11 14 · 24/7 — for any moment of crisis, day or night.
Your GP
The quickest door to professional help. Ask for a Mental Health Care Plan for up to 10 rebated sessions.
Psychology Today Australia
psychologytoday.com/au — search “pet loss” or “grief” in your postcode.
Pet Loss Support Australia (Facebook)
A moderated, compassionate group. All species welcomed; horse owners well represented.
Your pony club or riding club
Quietly staffed with people who have been here before. Most will simply listen.
The Compassionate Friends
tcfa.org.au — many chapters include pet-loss support groups.
13YARN
13 92 76 · 24/7 — crisis line staffed by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander counsellors.
It’s OK That You’re Not OK
Megan Devine. The single most quoted book in our clients’ hands. A gentle rewriting of what grief is for.
H is for Hawk
Helen Macdonald. Not horses, but the most honest book ever written about loving a large animal.
Griefcast podcast
Cariad Lloyd. Funny, warm, clear-eyed interviews about grief in all its shapes.
Terrible, Thanks for Asking
Nora McInerny. Honest stories of loss and what life looks like afterwards.
Our full reading list
Download our 4-page curated list of books, podcasts and long reads further down this page.
An open offer from Alby
We’re not counsellors. We’re not therapists. But we have sat with hundreds of families in the exact place you are in now — and we can usually help you work out what the next small step might look like. There is no fee, no time limit, and no expectation. If I’m with a family when you call, leave a message and I will phone you back, often within the hour.
Call Alby — 0493 814 474
Helping others through it
Grief rarely belongs to one person. The people around you — children, partners, staff — are often quietly grieving alongside you, and looking to you for a signal about how to feel. Here is how to offer one, without spending what you do not have.
Use real language — “died”, “death”, “body” — and avoid softer euphemisms like “went to sleep” or “we lost him,” which young children take literally and can find frightening. Tell them once, clearly, and then be ready to tell them again.
“Does it hurt when you die?” “Will you die?” These are healthy questions, not worrying ones. Answer the question that is asked, simply and directly. “I don’t know” is a completely acceptable answer.
Many children find comfort in a practical role: choosing a flower, tucking a note into the halter, grooming them one last time, or drawing a picture. Others cannot bear to be there. Both are right.
Most children find their way through with family love and time. Please speak to a GP if sleep or appetite is severely disturbed past three to four weeks. Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) is free and 24/7.
Free downloadable resources
Each of the guides below was written by our team at Harbourside, drawing on the families we sit with and the clinicians we work alongside. They are free to download, free to print, free to share. Tell us where to send it.
A gentle companion for the days after losing your horse
A gentle companion for the days after losing your horse
A practical, compassionate checklist
A practical, compassionate checklist
Age-by-age guidance for parents, guardians & instructors
Age-by-age guidance for parents, guardians & instructors
Tender, practical, creative ideas — from the simple to the lifelong
Tender, practical, creative ideas — from the simple to the lifelong
Books, podcasts and long reads that have helped
Books, podcasts and long reads that have helped
A practical directory for Australians grieving a horse
A practical directory for Australians grieving a horse
A fillable keepsake to record a life, one page at a time
A fillable keepsake to record a life, one page at a time
Every guide is free. Tap “Request a copy” and we’ll email the PDF straight to you, usually the same day. No newsletters, no follow-ups unless you ask.
Honouring their memory
There is no right way to honour a horse. There are only many small ways that feel right for different people at different times. Read slowly. Skip anything that doesn’t fit. Take the one idea that finds you.
“The people — and horses — we love become the light we walk in.”
However you arrived here
There are three quiet paths from this page. Take whichever one fits the shape of today.
When you’re ready to talk
No fee. No time limit. No expectation. Day or night, weekend, holiday — the phone is answered. If we cannot pick up, we phone you back.
Call 0493 814 474Aftercare
Gentle, transparent pricing. Individual cremation with verified chain-of-custody. Phone or email and we will talk you through it.
Email our teamTake something with you
Seven guides, written with care, shared freely. The grief journal and the memory keeper are the two our clients return to most often.
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